The pirates of the Red Dragon in Port Aransas, Texas are the scurviest lot of scallawags and hooligans you’ll find in these waters.
These plunderers, pillagers and looters spend most of their time hoarding treasure, drinking rum and shaking their fists at the decent people of Port Aransas, TX and nearby shipping channels. If there are ever any pimiento cheese sandwiches or corn nuts anywhere in the area the pirates will demand that the nice citizens surrender these goods and the pirates then proceed to eat them right in front of their victims. One citizen who prefers to remain anonymous exclaims, “Someone has to stop these guys! My wife spent a good part of the morning making those sandwiches for our fishing trip and the pirates demanded that we surrender our ice chests and they ate all of the pimento cheese sandwiches right in front of her while she wept uncontrollably. I also lost two packs of corn nuts to the dread pirate Bones McCraken. This all might sound cheesy but it’s also nuts!”
A spokesperson for the local authorities including the Coast Guard and Homeland Security boat says the Red Dragon is a force they are not prepared to deal with as the combination of the Red Dragon’s might and Captain Silverbeard’s ruthlessness is just too overwhelming. “We wish there was something we could do to stop them,” explained a spokesperson who would also like to remain anonymous.
Below is a breakdown on each of the pirates of the Red Dragon.
With just over 95 years of pirate captain experience, he is the most ruthless pirate captain in all the seven seas, striking more fear into man than a mortal can comprehend. He’s a legendary pirate captain if there ever was. He commandeered the Red Dragon single handedly by dominating all of the 50+ pirates aboard. He put a sword in each hand and began spinning around like a lawn mower. In less than three minutes all 50+ pirates were disabled or in the water and he sailed her off into the sunset alone. At his age he spends about 18 hours a day sleeping but it never interferes with his work. He can sail the Red Dragon into port in his sleep and often does. He wakes up three times a day to eat a big bowl of sauerkraut, morning, noon and night. He NEVER eats anything else. He says it keeps him regular.
Sir Thomas Keeper of Hooligans
Sir Thomas has been commissioned as the boatswain (Buccaneer Overseer) on the Red Dragon. He cares for the pirates aboard the ship, to make sure they get enough rest, get enough to eat and get punished properly when necessary. He is good at making sure the pirates get fed daily, bathed weekly and de-loused and de-wormed every month. (You know he missed the due date if the pirates are seen scooting around the deck of the boat on their behinds.) The best way to describe Sir Thomas is by his own words, “I am their leader, which way did they go?” Sir Thomas rarely has a clue. He is almost always in the dark and never has an original idea that amounts to anything. His inane insanity is kept in check with some stealthy guidance from the underlings aboard.
He is the first mate also known as the deckhand… and sometimes … (snicker snicker) referred to as… (snicker snicker) Number 2. (te he he) Chinstrap is in charge of caring for the ship. He lets the boatswain know when it’s time to get the pirates in cleaning and repair mode. He can often times be found swinging around in the rigging high above the main deck. Sometimes he uses a boatswains chair but most often he just swings from mast to mast like a monkey. Keeping the ship in tip top shape is what he does best. He has years of cleaning experience including over a decade as a monkey scrubber at the zoo. (Keep in mind that not all monkeys want to be scrubbed.) He sometimes helps with the pirates because they don’t always want to be scrubbed. His years of scrubbing and chasing monkeys has made him perfect for the job of First Mate up in the crows nests and rigging. Chinstrap has a little more bark than bite but his loyalty to the captain is very strong. Chinstrap is known for his loyalty as he is extremely loyal to whoever will pay him the most that week. He is the only pirate on the ship that smells good every day.
Being a charmer and brown noser, Bilgewater usually gets what he wants through manipulative negotiation. He happened upon the Red Dragon one day as he was adrift with his leaky dingy. He was on the run from the US Navy and came aboard the Red Dragon reeking of bilge water. Captain Silverbeard gave Bradley his new name. Almost immediately he placed himself under Sir Thomas’ wing. Although not very intelligent, Bilgewater has enough whereabouts to help keep Sir Thomas’ feeble mind from twisting off too far. A very talented charismatic buccaneer, he is famous for wooing the ladies in the pubs and nibbling on their ears. While nibbling he removes and swallows their earrings to be retrieved later. He is known to woo many ladies in a night resulting in a real treasure load. Sometimes when the waves get rough at sea you can hear his insides jingling.
Do whatever it takes to keep Swabby on your good side! She is a force unto her own. She has no respect for any of her fellow pirates except Captian Silverbeard. If anyone so much as looks at her funny she slaps them in the face with a wet, heavy mop. The weight of the mop either sends the offensive pirate straight to the deck or overboard if they are lucky. She is an artist who makes magnificent portraits. Very lifelike. She does this whenever the red dragon is at sea. Swabby can spell words and read them too. (She is better at spelling than reading.) When it’s time to swab the deck all non commissioned pirates are required to grab a mop and work. She is the only one that doesn’t. Want to know why? Just go ask her and you’ll find out. Guppy doesn’t tell on Swabby because they are BFFs. (She can also get Guppy to go tell on you to the Captain for something you didn’t even do.) It’s best not to look her in the eye. Swabby is a young pirate but she is well on her way to becoming a scally-hag.
There are only two words in the english language to describe Lady Crimson… Hubba Hubba. She is the top recruiter on the ship. She is a scumbag magnet. She can go into any pub along the docks and within a minute have 3 or 4 scumbags around her. She slowly and coyly walks them near the dock (or dingy) where they are ambushed, shackled and shanghaied by the Red Dragon crew and placed below deck until they can convincingly pledge their loyalty to Captain Silverbeard. With a wink of her eye and a “come hither” with her finger even the strongest willed man will fall under her spell. Lady Crimson is also responsible for the captain’s meals. She makes sure that once a month all of the pirates mash the barrels of sauerkraut and she prepares three bowls a day for Captain Silverbeard. She feeds him, keeps his chin wiped and burps him at the end of each meal. She is almost never in a good mood so if you ever see her smile just run away fast or you’ll soon be shackled below deck.